We’re in our own little bubbles, are we keeping our heads afloat?
Why does it always take something to happen to make something happen, to fucking feel something?
Someone close, a loved one, becoming sick with a serious illness will make us appreciate what truly matters, and can often make us build or even repair relationships when we had no idea it was possible.
Life is always the great equaliser. We’re never ahead of it.
It’s a shame we’re reactive rather than proactive, maybe this greatest of equalisers, COVID19 can burst the bubble.
We can look at things from two perspectives:
Why did it happen?
What did we learn?
We find ourselves in an unknown bubble – COVID19 lockdown where we’re stripped of most of the things we didn’t even think it was possible to miss.
But it happens, doesn’t it?
We only miss and appreciate something when we’re told we can’t do it and it’s gone.
We find ourselves questioning what really matters, what is important and who we are.
Quite possibly, we are faced with ourselves, forced to confront ourselves without any distractions, with all the distractions.
Psychological nets – one bubble has burst and a smaller one has taken its place – where for some, it will be just that little bit closer to the water’s surface and for some it will be just that little bit further away.
We hope that we’re different, we lament on social media about how we’re this, how we’re that, how “orange man bad”. Hell, anything and everything. Is it what we really think, or are we simply trying to pop bubbles and to be accepted into another?
Having original thoughts these days is rare. We create something, something that can be criticised, something we can be held accountable for, and it fucking terrifies us.
Maybe that’s why we want to follow, maybe that’s why we need to follow?
This lockdown has caused chaos, some utterly perplexing situations – the stockpiling of toilet roll, scuffles in supermarkets, there is no need for more examples, we all know.
We want to be different, but a situation like the one we find ourselves us in now strips us of everything we knew, everything we thought we were and everything we wanted to be.
Maybe things will change after this. We say things will change after this. For how long? Until we forget all about this little episode that we couldn’t skip the boring parts. Until the next flavour of the month comes along, until the bubble bursts and we’re back at the beginning.
Let’s take that step of doing things now.
Let’s write our own script, let’s not let other people write it and then decide we don’t like it.
What really matters if we go back to the start? Should we go back to the start? Do we need to go back?
How many times have you paid attention and truly felt the sensation of your lungs filling up and emptying when you breathe in and out?
How many times have you walked barefoot and felt the sensation of the soft grass between your toes or the cold hard ground beneath you?
How many times have you been under the sun, feeling the radiance of the warm light on your face, and nothing else?
How many times have you truly existed in the moment? Now.
How many times have you just been ‘Being’?
I’m only going to say this once, so come closer:
There is only ever one time in our lives when we are alive.
It’s right now.
Now, you have probably just read that sentence again.
Life has but one constant, the now.
Three seconds ago is no more. It’s gone. You are only ever alive at this very point. Now.
The past has gone, nothing but memories stored in the ether of your constant life companion — your mind.
The future is yet to come, roads, possibilites, stress, euphoria, despair all await us.
Do they?
Do they even matter? Should we worry about things that have happened and/or are yet to happen?
Can we change anything?
Disconnection is rife these days — the constant avarice of ‘enablers’ to lull the cacophony of the mind.
Let’s explore the rabbit hole in some more depth.
Aren’t these distractions, these tactics completely deliberate?
Would a planet of people free from paradoxical emotions, simply existing — free from conflict, internal and external struggles, be beneficial for the vacuous conglomerates of society?
Answers on a postcard.
People are more connected, it would seem. The veils of the many masked heads of the hydra are being revealed, and I am confident, once all the veils have been lifted, the systematic decapitation of this fucking beast will begin.
You can start, now.
You can disconnect.
You can disconnect from your mind, the imaginary enemy.
Be present.
Appreciate what you have, what you really, truly, honestly need.
Apart from basic sustenance, and of course oxygen, what do you really need?
Love?
Would love still exist if humans hadn’t evolved to the point where they gave it a name?
If you yearn for love and currently don’t have it, how can you truly give it when you do ‘have’ it?
If you cannot be happy with yourself separately ‘unattached’, how can you be happy with someone else?
Right now, what matters?
Getting paid more money at the end of the month?
Right now. Does that matter?
Look up from your screen (the irony is not lost on me) once in a while and just be. Feel.
If this feels disconnected to you, or seems unrealistic to you. Good.
I will leave you with this:
Sit up straight, close your eyes, take a deep breath in through your nose (1) and exhale through your mouth (that’s 2) & repeat until you reach the count of ten.
Then cease counting and bring your focus to the rising and falling of your chest, as you breathe, how does that feel?
Let go of your mind.
Stop thinking.
Start feeling.
Start feeling the energy inside your body, the great light. Do not think or try to understand. Feel.
Can you feel the wave of energy within you? Pulsating. Flowing. Being.
Imagine your life without music, without your favourite bands, artists and without the moments in your life when you and a song are at one.
Music turns things that are black and white to colour.
Music is there, often when nothing else is, often when you don’t have anything or anyone to turn to apart from a device to play it on.
Music is life-changing for many of us, figuratively and literally in the case of the people in the profoundly humbling documentary ‘Alive Inside’, which is about patients at various stages of the battle with Alzheimher’s who were given an iPod with their favourite songs on. In a flash, when their music started playing they became alive, their disease-riddled darkened brains were illuminated by the music that meant so much to them – they were alive again, often without trace of the disease. The wonderful ‘Alive Inside’ is currently on Netflix.
A lot of music isn’t made to matter, its for people drinking WKD (Women Kids Dickheads) to pretend they like it on a Saturday night.
The vacuous robots of the SyCo gestapo’s assembly line churning out emotionless manufactured flavour of the week songs that are forgotten about when the ‘next big thing’ is out a week later.
So, that music that matters, music that takes you on a journey, either a nostalgic one or imagining the next one that you will embark on, its really special.
Most of the time you initially don’t know when, or how a song, a line from a song, or a few seconds of music enter you brain until you start humming or singing it, or it starts replaying in your mind after you’ve finished listening.
Sometimes, initially you’re at a loss for words to explain why you like a song, you just know there is something, something deeper.
You then find yourself putting that song on repeat or that album on again and experiencing the connection with a new-found attention and meaning.
The best songs are when you have heard that song 300 times before, but when you listen for the 301st time you experience something new, you hear something a little differently, your attention is drawn to a different lyric, line or verse, often because where you are in your life and who you are as a person has changed, maybe even ever so slightly since the last time you listened.
The most important songs are those that both understand you and you understand, by bands or artists that you feel are singing your life story, hopes, dreams and despairs with such clarity to you.
The most important songs are those that you will never get bored with.
The most important songs are those that you came for the fire, but drowned in the rain.
The most important songs are those that floor you and bring you back to your feet at the same time.
The most important songs will be in your passenger seat, whenever you need them as you’re driving your car down the road of life.
The most important songs are from bands and artists that you can instantly recognise put everything into their music and come along exactly when they should.
In 2005 a who’s who of the giants of the emo/punk scene at the time, released albums where the next one would top the last one and they all could be contenders for 2005’s album of the year:
Copeland – In Motion
Days Away – Mapping an Invisible World
Funeral For A Friend – Hours
Gatsbys American Dream – Volcano
Mae – The Everglow
Minus The Bear – Menos El Oso
Say Anything – …Is A Real Boy
Thrice – Vheissu
Jack’s Mannequin – Everything in Transit
Death Cab For Cutie – Plans
City and Colour – Sometimes
Anberlin – Never Take Friendship Personal
Alkaline Trio – Crimson
Cartel – Chroma
Motion City Soundtrack – Commit This To Memory
and of course Acceptance – Phantoms, have all had an impact on my life through their music, back then and today still.
Acceptance…
…once described as ‘your favourite band’s favourite band’.
You’ve experienced that moment where you put on an album to accompany doing something, such as schoolwork and you hear a line from a song that makes you stop what you’re doing and divert all attention as you start the musical journey in that moment.
Acceptance’s ‘Phantom’s is packed with these moments, it just commands attention from the off.
‘Hopeless, a single word that you would not expect from me’ – from the song ‘Over You’.
You’ve experienced that moment when you hear a line from a song that shatters everything and makes it ok to be afraid, to be who you are and not who you want to be or who you think you should be, Acceptance do that.
You’ve experienced that moment when you hear a line from a song that makes you feel like you’re not alone, that there are others who have experienced the same things that you have and that its alright.
You’ve experienced that moments when you were younger than you are now and a song makes you feel invincible, bolder than your years like happiness is ‘So Contagious’.
You’ve experienced that moment, when you feel older when a song makes you feel vulnerable and younger than your actual years like you are ‘In The Cold’.
Acceptance were in ‘In The Cold’ from 2005 – 2015, when they announced they had reformed and then they later released the heart-hitting ‘Take You Away’.
‘We’ve come a long long way now we’re thinking we’re lost’.
Quite.
I first listened to the song at the beginning of a five-hour van ride in Thailand, and I had it on repeat for the next two hours. Over and over, dissecting every line, instrument, melody and tune in the song.
Later on they announced a new album was coming, and later again, they announced the title ‘Colliding By Design’ – I know, things happen for a reason.
‘Colliding By Design’ has been on repeat since I’ve had it, Acceptance have taken me back to the person I was in 2005, back to the person who I thought I was in 2005 and back to the person I thought I would be in times like right now, back in 2005.
I find myself revisiting the same thoughts and experiencing the same feelings as I did in 2005 but now with an older and wiser perspective, often with the journey unexplainable, you just go with it.
You’ve experienced the escapism that music provides, living in black and white, then the music plays you start dreaming in colour.
You’ve experienced wondering where will you exist, are you more than this right now, have you left it too late to do something and you have experienced being caught up in a struggle between the sea and the sky.
Music is there for you when you are experiencing the highest highs, music is there for you when you are in the lowest lows.
Music will teach you more things than school could hope to, music truly is one of the only teachers of the most important things in existence: life, love, loss, sadness, relationships, dreams, friends and family.
Music is life.
Music takes you to the past, lives with you in the present and projects you into the future.
Music enables us to be content and dissatisfied simultaneously with ourselves at not being where we want to be, because for as long as that song or album is playing, we somehow are already there.
Music is special because you understand it and it understands you.
Music will take the complicated picture you have painted of yourself and deconstruct it into a simple diagram, where its ok to not have all the answers.
Your favourite bands / artists and songs, are your ultimate catharsis, you and them have a connection that comes alive as soon as you’re listening.
We live surrounded by four walls, literally and figuratively, the four figurative walls we have constructed are in our own design – impressive, shiny and have been built to surround and shield us. These walls, we allow everyone to see in their full grandeur.
In the middle of these walls there is a record player – we turn on the record player, the music makes the walls begin to Shiver And Shake until there is nothing left but us, standing, vulnerable in a garden – our Secret Garden, somewhere we have never, and will ever, let anyone in, where music has stripped away the construction until all that’s left is us, really, in our purest self where we are enabled to partake both in our history and the immediate moment, our heartbeat, minds and thoughts synchronised with the music, transcendent and sacred.
Music is where you’ve been, who you were, who you are, who you could be and where you’re going.
This is what the bands, artists and songs we hold dear in our hearts do – they enable us to accept who we are, they are there to challenge us, they become part of us, their songs become and are our story and we become and are their story.
This is what Acceptance do.
This is what music does.
Acceptance is music.
Music is acceptance.
‘Put on my nametag
Stare in the mirror
Give me some answers
Make it clearer now
And then I’m in my head
As the sun is getting older
While the clock is counting over
Am I more than this?
We get caught up between the sea and the sky
Give me that look in, that look in your, eyes
We live in black and white
We dream in colour
Met a stranger near my station
Says you’re alright
Take a vacation
The things to see before I’m dead
As the air is getting colder
While the years are turning over
Where will I exist?
We get caught up between the sea and the sky
Give me that look, that look in, your eye
We live in black and white
We dream in colour
We dream in colour
And we live in black and white
We get caught up between the sea and the sky
We get caught up between the sea and the sky
Give me that look in, that look in, your eye
We live in black and white
We dream in colour
We dream, we dream in colour
And we live in black and white
We dream, we dream in colour
And we live in black and white’.
I had no intention of writing another post, but I feel as if I have to get an elephant out of the room and off my chest…
The main reason I started writing these blogs was because I was inspired by a select few fellow TEFL Heaven Koh Chang 2014 trainees.
I think nearly everyone on my course has written at least one blog post. Those three weeks were truly some of the greatest of my life and life immediately after was tough. All connection to small connection. Just. Like. That. I think we all used them originally as a way of keeping in touch with each other.
I never really wrote too many posts on what I was doing, I started writing from the caverns of my heart without ever really noticing. I’ve never planned the layout of these blog posts, I just type away as things enter my brain from the ether of my consciousness, all following the same narrative, all having the same buildings in the same cities, cities linked by the great highways.
I’ve never ever, ever been someone who would talk about emotions or how I was feeling in any capacity, but these blog posts were the catalyst for change.
Now you could argue that I personify disconnection via a wi-fi connection, typing like I’m bigger than my body and thats fine, you can say I’m such a cliche, but I don’t really see the difference in it anyway because, hey kids – we’re all the same, what a shame!
Writing about how I was feeling, wearing my heart on my sleeve became second nature via these posts.
Now, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be, and that’s alright.
I began writing about self-reflection, reflection in general, muses, opinions that were swimming through the eternally playing stereo that is my mind.
It occurred to me that maybe the reason I became so ‘productive’ on the blog front was that for twenty-plus-years I had shared my name with a stranger, unrecognisable. Twenty-plus-years of thoughts that I had never released, occupying space, in every atom of my body and infinity.
I didn’t just have an elephant in the room, I had elephants in every room of an insane asylum and gradually one by one the beasts began to run the show.
I started to find that speaking openly became easier and easier, specifically to my best friends but in general also.
I now find it amazing how strong the power of human communication is, specifically speaking – you say words aloud, you hear yourself say them and by doing that swimming against the current becomes a little less tiring.
Self-reflection and self-improvement have become integral to me and I think it should be integral full-stop.
Glass half-full, glass half-empty – be thankful for the first half, its gone (whatever happened), be grateful for the second half, its still to come.
Now, I wake up every morning happy that my wooden heart is still beating and with the mindset that I want to be a better person than I was yesterday by being the best person I can be today and if I can make just one soul smile then hell, that’s a bonus. That’s a bonus.
“There is no learning and personal development without reflection.”
I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew that I had to improve myself, it was after one particular comment my mum made to me, one oh so dark and rainy night when the Darkness On The Edge of Town encroached just a little more.
You see, I grew up in a household where love between my parents was an apparition – hollow, empty.
It wasn’t all bad, don’t get me wrong, I have some wonderful memories but they are so incredibly difficult to remember after walking through so many dead cities.
My father’s father left him, and his mother when he was very young. My father never had a loving mother, or family, and for that, I am sorry in more ways that anyone could ever understand. These must be the foundations on what the haunted cities were built on.
My Mum on the other hand, had everything you could ask for in a family. She was one of four daughters and never went without love or compassion – loving parents come grandparents and now great-grandparents who are still together and as affectionate as ever, after decades under the influence of true love. For that I am so grateful, in more ways than anyone could ever understand.
My mum was my father’s first ever relationship. They married and because of that you’re reading the ramblings of a pseudo-mad-man.
“We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of livin’ and Since that first breath we’ll need grace that we’re never given Well I’ve been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts It’s not only when these eyes are closed.”
– from the song ‘Wooden Heart’, by Listener.
My father would do petty, spiteful and fucking nasty things, one of which was to make it as difficult as he could for my Mum see her family before I was born and after. It must have been jealously, jealously for something he never had.
It got to the stage where after arriving at family gatherings in my early and mid-teens my Mum would have to make up excuses about the absence of my father, by the end he had completely disconnected himself from them and pushed both my mum and me away.
I started to become aware that not everything was as rosy as it seemed around the age of twelve, I think. I’d start to notice the arguments, the lack of talking for days, that felt like years.
I can remember on many occasions, far too many occasions, shit… so many fucking occasions – going out to play football with all my friends and constantly wishing for the reconciliation by the time I’d walk through my front door after joy rides on the sun, where for just a few Moments my friends were my Painkillers.
My friends back then were Towers, bigger than the world, that have now become Monuments in the mist. I was the youngest out of everyone, quite considerably too, but they always looked out for me.
I wish I could still talk with you all under the summer skies where all my troubles became shadowed by the nights sitting on an old bench down by the ruined church, looking out to sea, being too cold, being old enough to know but too young to care, gazing upon an open road to nowhere but everywhere. That bench is still where every drive I ever go in my head ends.
Can we go out tonight, joy rides on the moon?
“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”
– from the film, ‘Stand By Me’.
I knew my parents would always split up, but it doesn’t prepare you for when it happens.
It was a few months before my GCSE exams when it actually happened. It was a numbing pain when I found out. I didn’t really know what to think or do, so I carried on like I usually did, just keeping it inside, rotting away.
The years after the separation I can now look back on and say were some of the worst of my life. Misery, uncertainty, poisoned memories and toxic thoughts, bottled up and placed on cobwebbed shelves caked in dust.
My father did fucking awful things to my Mum, which I still regret, hell, I regret not being able to do anything about them… I always will.
One of which changed the course of our lives, it was taking all the money he and my mum had saved, basically leaving her penniless with a kid that was sailing on a vast ocean without a north star to navigate from.
She did alright, hell, she did alright.
Looking back now as I’m writing this, it was the best thing he has ever done for me.
She bought a house aided by the money she had from the sale of our home, which my father only had his half and no more. That brought me closer to my friends who at the time were just my friends in school and not out of it as I lived around thirty minutes away, rarely travelling to see them from the village I lived in, the village where I had my childhood friends.
By this time my childhood friends were moving away for one reason or another as they were much older than me.
Relationships, jobs, family problems.
We never had days or nights like we did when I was twelve years old ever again and Jesus, that hurts, they were some of the best times.
I miss you all, not being able to find any trace of one of my childhood friends fucking kills me and not a week goes by when I don’t think of him. Being told another story about a childhood friend’s failed suicide attempt and the aftermath still affects me profoundly to this day.
I think it’s always worse finding out things like that when you’re not around said person and haven’t seen or even spoken to them for a while rather than still being in regular contact with them.
The whole ‘life’s too short’ monologue plays on an autocue in your mind, that feeling of being able to not really do anything. I still think about you all and what we had.
Ugh.
But, in every negative a positive will appear and by moving out of my childhood home in a little village where my childhood friends were, to the main town in my county where my school-friends and school were. My school friends would become my best friends. I kept in touch with my childhood friends for a while after I moved and saw them on a few occasions, but it couldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t be the same.
But, I believe in the universe.
One night in our new house, I remember talking to my mum about what my father was like earlier on in their relationship, when I was a baby, I questioned why she didn’t walk away sooner.
She told me she stayed with him for my sake. I still struggle with that – the the suffering she had to endure, stemmed from me.
As I got older I started to develop many of the bad habits my father had. I would be short and ratty with my mum and I can’t even tell you why.
I didn’t have a positive male role model to look up to, ask questions to or even really quite simply to talk to, maybe that was it?
‘You’re just like your father’.
The moment.
I can still remember the horror I felt when those words echoed around the caverns of my absent Brain.
I decided there and then that I would change. Many years and many books later here I am.
I’m not where I want to be but I’m not where I used to be and for that I am grateful.
There’s always a positive to come out of a negative and there is aways a lesson to be learnt, no matter how the teacher presents the material.
The power of talking, releasing words, typing words, whatever medium chosen is colossal.
People can tut at blogs all they want, to them, I say – show a little faith, there’s magic in these nights and have a round on me, friend, I’ve been there before, a few times.
Speaking for myself, these blogs have changed who I am. I wouldn’t have dreamt of being so open a few years back.
Just talk with people, say hello, ask them how they are and genuiely care because positive human interaction is unlike anything else, anything else.
It’s no coincidence that a form of professional help for your troubles is a psychologist, to whom, you talk.
Who knows what road your next conversation with someone, with anyone, may take you…just have it.
I have learnt more in the time spent in Thailand than I had in all my years before. The one learn that I regard as the highest is being able to now talk more openly to people about whatever it may be. Whether I am helping them, or they are helping me, I’m sure everyone can agree we’re all in this together and we’re helping each other.
I wish I knew back then what I know now. But thats all part of the journey, isn’t it?
What city was ever built in a day, even if it was haunted?
A leopard can never change it’s spots, well thats alright because we’re human.
Anyone can change if they truly want it and if they truly believe it.
If one door shuts, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, move on, for a hundred more will open and if you believe, because, We All Need A Reason To Believe that you can knock loud enough, one might just open.
I owe thanks to my father, for showing me how to never treat another human and making me determined to not become the man he was.
I owe thanks to everyone I’ve met in The Cities I’ve built, most people more than some and some people more than most, from my heart to yours, thank you.
I owe everything to my mum.
Make Monuments for everything you love.
Do something and let it consume you.
Find what you love and let it kill you.
Now.
So remember, this is our time.
From the thunderstorms of Koh Chang, 2014 / To the infinity of the universe, XXXX
The monologue begins // and to think a rational change of view and mind can be accomplished.
Samui’s penultimate and final nights were as heavy as the bags under my eyes the next mornings.
See, I’m in the swerve business and on those nights — business was booming.
So heavy in fact, it absolutely destroyed Joseph Weir, physically, mentally and physiologically.
‘I’m done with this island, Samui can suck my ballbag’.
Weir was officially done, his head was gone // Thom’s wasn’t far behind but the allure of the reggae hut and a final night on the sauce in the company of giants proved too much. Fair play.
That was the final day after the penultimate night.
Hot damn.
El penultimate night…
…can be summed up by Nathan’s statement // question — ‘is there another level of fucked?!’.
Psychedelics — ‘I’ll do it if you do it’. Myself and JW coming to some sort of unwritten understanding early on in the night to venture into the light fantastic within the darkness of the night.
Moving swiftly through a few unit filled hours later and there is JW, like a Marching Band of Manhattan powering his way down the beach to the Light Club.
Flash forward a few hours later, the transformations were complete — we went from dancers to soldiers to poets.
There we were on The Trip, coming up with unrelenting immense philosophical bollocks.
The circle of life on that beach for all intents and purposes contained Oscar Wilde, Johnny Cash, John Lennon, Morrissey and of course Jonathan Peaco.
Peaco is an enigma, he was that night and he continues to be. He disappeared for approximately five hours only to return eating a back of M and M’s — the next great American novel is waiting…
Another great novel is waiting compliments of our very first teaser of ‘Jurassic World’ that night, a brand new dinosaur announced himself – the Marcusaurus-Rex // possessed by a demon or in another realm? -Who knows.
The psychedelic experience was a journey into the unknown with no real expectation or idea what would follow. It was a truly wonderful moment, one of which I believe was catalysed by my fellow travellers on that journey that night.
Gentlemen, if I had died by your sides, well, the pleasure and the privilege would have been mine.
After returning from Samui and being profoundly effected by the whole experience that night I decided to try and understand what had happened and where I had been taken to in the days that followed my return home.
My thoughts were my thoughts but 2.0. I’ve never had access to that ether of clarity before.
We were all on the same wavelength and it was the first and probable last time I will have a twenty minute or so conversation on not only the colour, but the concept of ‘black’. Still unexplainable. ‘It’s more than a colour, its a concept.’ I only wish I could remember some more of the things that were said that night. Nathan, you will have to release the quotes you have if indeed you still have them.
I started to look into what I’d consumed, low and behold there is a wealth of positive information. To sum it all up I would turn to a man far more knowledgable and coherent than I — Graham Hancock (YouTube search his appearances on Joe Rogan’s Podcast – wholly interesting).
GH: What’s interesting here is that it depends on our understanding of the brain. Persinger is also talking about altered states of consciousness – it’s just that his particular approach is to induce them through the use of electromagnetic fields, instead of inducing them through the use of chemical hallucinogens. But the end effect is the same. Now, Persinger might be a reductionist, and he might say “the brain changes I observe when I fire this electromagnetic field at my subject’s head have caused his experiences of small beings standing beside him.” But that causal connection is not at all clear – it may be that the electromagnetic fields simply retuned the receiver wavelength of the brain, and allowed it to pick up another “reality”, that is only accessible in altered states.
GH: For me, Persinger just provides us with another way by which human beings can enter altered states of consciousness, but he doesn’t prove that what we see can be reduced to the brain activity associated with it. We would naturally expect there to be brain activity mediating any human experience, but the fact that there is activity alone, does not reduce the experience to that activity.
SR: It’s whether it’s causative or not…
GH: Yes, or is it – again we come back to this receiver model of the brain, which I think is enormously useful – that we would see activity if the brain is a receiver, as it retunes itself, just as we would see a telescope changing its focal length. That would be activity, but it wouldn’t be causing the experience. The telescope would be seeing a further off star, or our brain would be seeing another level of reality.
#LookUp
#LookUp
Its far too easy to simply dismiss something because it isn’t doesn’t fit with what you believe you believe // if the BBC report it however, its definitely true.
Scare mongering tactics are being implemented, shouldn’t we have had a bird flu epidemic by now?!
Square eyes and square minds are far too common these days and combined are the reason the invisible shadow has swept through like a gangster in 1934 with all those men, women and kids left in a pathetic trail of empty vessels, their purple hearts no longer beating — REJOICE! I was already gone before the dawn and for your sake you’d better hope the sun rises on that dreaded sunny day.
Information is there, one must simply think for oneself and discover rather be covered. A laugh.
Its frightening how much power fear has in this modern world. Grand smokescreens providing brilliant distractions from evidence and facts. The most worrying and disheartening thing however is that the things that matter are always hidden in plain view — the best hiding place, evidently.
Ultimately fear is a distraction — here’s a bad example for myself, I know I would have an exhilarating time doing a skydive, however I am distracted and focused on the fear of the activity in general. It is also an inhibition, I’ll refer back to my cycle of thinking before making the decision and then eventually moving to a foreign country. The fear of the unknown was ever present elephant in my mind’s room. No matter how many times I logically dissected the decision/s the fear would not subside. That turned out alright. Been knockin’ about here for ten months now which is lovely.
Fear should not be apparent… unless you were standing toe to toe with John Wayne Gacy or Tony Blair, then I could thoroughly understand. Apart from these extreme situations, fear, you should not. Usually there is always that initial fear, then once you think and analyze said subject logic takes over and the ground is reclaimed.
I now offset initial fears and worries with something infinitely calming, which I now live by:
If something is meant to be the universe will find a way to make it happen and it will happen. If it didn’t happen then it was not meant to be. What will be will be. It’s alright. Kintsugi.
Why are drug addicts and alcoholics treated differently?
How many ‘alcohol related’ incidents are there? I can’t think of any cannabis / mushroom related incidents apart from a huge % increase in Doritos and pizza sales.
Its interesting that the path of thinking is already laid out for us on such topics as the above. I think its about time mind control was reclaimed, don’t you?
We can find things out in a matter of seconds thanks to the internet, but still the dull age persists. An irony, perhaps.
Snicker at the swine at your peril, machines // Shhhhhhhh! I’m listening to reason.
Beware of false prophets // Herbs! Juice! Aloe! Oh no. A wonderful smokescreen, may I add, your bravado (Admit it!) must be applauded*.
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^ $chematic$
The impossible task must be made possible, thoughts…!…? Quite.
Finally…and I must insist I speak frankly from this point onwards.
…the arrogance of the western media and it’s drones thinking they can be impartial , presumably **the same could be said about the bizarre complex, which has evidently been adopted by a provisional pseudo-bohemian vacuous soldier of the hipster gestapo, hiding within the darkness on the edge of swerve city,believing it is fitting to allow their quite un-silvered tongue the regrettable freedom to self-deprecate via an act of fear induced folly. There was an irony in your task which you so embarrassingly failed to grasp.
The flames rose unsuccessfully to this charming man’s roman nose.
And now I know how Joan of Arc felt.
everything will be alright / (You’re) In the Company of Deimos
Bands rarely last ten years these days, let alone take ten years to find their sound.
With their latest release of ‘Instant Gratification’ DGD in my opinion have done just that, they have found and mastered their style and sound.
What is this now style, or genre? I couldn’t really label it. Psychedelic post hardcore guitars mixed with the wonderful ‘Mess’ that is the unclean vocals and the super catchy melodic vocals of Tilian Pearson who gives most contemporary pop artists a run for their money on the vox’ front.
A brief history.
Bursting onto the scene in 2007 with Downtown Battle Mountain which is an outstanding debut album taking what other bands had done in the scene prior and simply making it their own and bettering.
The controversial Jonny Craig was then lead clean vocalist who in my opinion has never sounded better on any of his work post this album whether its his solo work or his Emarosa / Slaves efforts.
I’m an absolute sucker for melodic vocals and this album has so many examples giving Jonny his chance to steal all of the girls with his voice.
The lyrics – a constant talking point with DGD are seemingly nonsensical at times and both the clean and unclean vocals make it hard to understand these now infamous lyrics.
For what its worth, the lyrics, for me, are one of the features of this band – I personally believe Swan knows whats going on.
Of course, Jonny Craig would leave the band and DGD would come so close to landing one of my favourite frontment, Nic Newsham from the completely immense Gatsbys American Dream.
But, it wasn’t to be (just imagine) so along comes Kurt Travis, another outstanding vocalist and DGD release their second LP which was self-titled.
Travis was pretty much discarded by DGD fans purely because he wasn’t Jonny Craig and was perceived to be an inferior vocalist.
The album was still distinctively Dance Gavin Dance but the sound was seemingly tighter, specifically the musicianship. The ‘screams’ are still pretty indecipherable and are probably worse than the debut album’s.
However the clean vocals are up their and this album includes one of my favourite DGD tracks, and obviously Nic Newsham provided guest vocals – the man owns every song he’s in.
Following this album came ‘Happiness’ which for many was the standout album, released in 2009.
This album was a turning point for Dance Gavin Dance, with a more experimental sound for the lads – the foundations to their sound today.
Kurt Travis was still retained as lead clean vocalist and sends some honey into our ears in the form of some killer melodic vocal hooks.
Stand-out track on this album for me:
Guess who’s back? After a Macbook scandal, a heroin addiction and putting in a good performance as the lead for Emarosa, Jonny Craig exploded his way back into the ear canals with Dance Gavin Dance in 2011.
Along with JC came an arrogant swagger into the band, notably the lyrics which is no coincidence considering Craig’s ego. Understated as it was compared to Jonny’s return Jon Mess also returned to the frame which returned the band to the lineup when they released ‘Downtown Battle Mountain’ so its no surprise the next LP was entitled ‘Downtown Battle Mountain II’.
‘DBMII’ is Downtown Battle Mountain 2.0, more refined and polished for sure. The melodic vocals from Craig on this album quite frankly took the piss – the don’t top ‘DBM’ but they’re incredibly catchy and hard to not want to put on repeat for a very long time. The production on this album could also be considered the best to the then date which allowed the band to shine through more.
The lyrics were still as random as ever, but I enjoy this aspect of the band.
‘I don’t know much about computers, but I know that you look like a child abuser’ – from the song ‘Spooks‘.
More hooks than a Japanese fishing fleet on this album, but the stand out, for me is:
Enter Tilian Pearson – No Tilian. No Party. This guy can fucking sing.
One of Tilian’s solo songs, but even this is nothing compared to his work on the two DGD albums he’s on.
Tilian will steal your girl right in front of you tell you he’s doing it and you’ll be pleased for him.
Released in 2013 ‘Acceptance Speech’ however was a bit of a letdown in some aspects. One of DGD’s main draws is the clean vocals and this album failed a little in that department – it felt like Tilian’s ability was restricted, almost too edited on the final cut of the album (this combined with the all round poor production leaves you wondering what this could have been). Considering the producer attempted to emphasise the pop hooks its a little bizarre. The main reason of the inferior sound was the change in the band’s producer, for some reason the chap that produced all of their previous albums didn’t mix this, he only did the final version.
However, the album was the birth of the ‘Tilian era’ which is definitely the best DGD era. There are some incredible songs which would be fun to see live and there are some killer hooks on this album, noteably in the opener:
Hooks, anyone?
It’s 2015 and I haven’t stopped listening to ‘Instant Gratification’ since I obtained it a few days ago. It’s no coincidence this album is called ‘Instant Gratification’, this album is fucking immense.
This album carries on from ‘Acceptance Speech’ and takes all the names from there. Tilian and co continue to kiss the girls and make them cry.
Long time DGD producer returns to sweeten the honey this time round and the result is incredible. Tilian lets fly without the restriction of production on the last album and gives some of the best melodic pop hooks out there right now.
Sure, the lyrics are still trademark DGD but Tilian sings with such conviction and style that its easy to overlook.
Whats interesting is that DGD have been a band that has pretty much had a theme right from day one. The same cartoon style artwork is one all of their album covers and they have sequel songs spanning years and years -for example 2009’s ‘Happiness’ had the songs ‘Strawberry Swisher Pt. 1’ and ‘Strawberry Swisher Pt. 2’ then ‘Acceptance Speech’, 2013 had ‘Strawberry Swisher Pt. 3’, then again, ‘Acceptance Speech’ contained ‘The Robot With Human Hair Pt. 4 (The Robot With Human Hair Pt. 1 featured on DGD’s first ever release, and EP entitled ‘What Ever I Say Is Royal Ocean’ released in 2006) and then they put that saga to bed with ‘The Death of The Robot With Human Hair’.
Instant Gratification contains no sequels, which I think is quite apt as this is a new era for DGD.
Everything else in DGD’s career feels like it has been leading up to this release. Chaotic guitar work is chaotic as ever and the clean vocals are the best on any DGD release to date. I have read the criticism that the clean vocals are too sugary but I’m having absolutely none of that. When Tilian sounds this good who cares and also it emphasises the typical DGD transition from hard to soft so well. The music, the vocals – everything is absolutely superb. There is a balance to it all that arguably has never been there before.
This is the first song released from the album – ‘On The Run’, a song about cheating – being caught red handed in the act.
There are no weak songs on this record at all. These are songs that for some, they will become staples in the live set list of DGD and also songs that are some of the best DGD ever released.
I absolutely love this album and thus far it is my current album of the year. I’m so excited for the future of this band; with this lineup these guys can go from strength to strength and I’m looking forward to new material already.
‘We Own The Night’, and the days lads, and the days.
The first single from the album ‘Stroke God, Millionaire’ is one of my favourite DGD songs and I challenge anyone to find a catchier pop hook than the one that starts from 1:58.
‘And we can get it in the open Tell me all your secrets Show me how to make you mine’
Keep releasing songs like that lads and theres no need to show anything, you got me.
‘We’re way too caught up in the race with time. It’s getting hard to take it in. We’re tryin’ hard to be the first in line.’ Just wanna be a kid again, a kid again.‘ – ‘The Death of a Strawberry’.
‘if you lost everything in a moment, would you notice?’
Patience / Patients.
Bear with me, I’m trying to write this but I have seven other tabs open that I’m flicking through, and here lies the problem – a microcosm for the modern technologically savvy world we live in.
I’ve tried to become more patient with everything, not become distracted by things that will attempt to steer off course, keep on driving down the road and more importantly keeping my centre.
Keeping centred was something I have learned about recently. Life and people will throw tests at your just to see how strong your confidence, will and composure are and to see if you stay true.
For example, a date I was on – I was asked a question on something, granted I’m not one to hold back on my opinion so I offered it. The girl then offered a conflicting opinion and also suggested that I should change my opinion because it differed from hers. She never saw that RKO coming…
Like life gives you, it was a test to see if I would change my mind and buckle. A test to see if I was strong enough to keep true. Girls like doing this and a billion other tests to see if you are strong willed enough and if you are centred.
Balance and Composure | keep centred.
There are so many distractions these days mainly electronic devices which now Occupy: Minds.
Have a look a Facebook for five minutes, move onto to Twitter for five minutes, flick through pictures of dogs, inspiration quotes written over pictures of mountains in the background and of course various unimpressive meals then back to Facebook. And repeat.
There are distractions on the distraction. We’re all guilty of it.
#LookUp
Whatever happened to all the things we used to do. Eating food without putting pictures of it on Social media.
Walking down the street and actually smiling and saying hello rather than nearly walking into everything because of being transfixed by Joe Bloggs’ check in on Facebook. Oh, Common Life, it has us.
Thailand is the worst place I’ve encountered for it. Looking around on the BTS and 95% have their head down staring into pixels on a screen on several inches, its a great shame it really is.
Sidenote: I personally do not understand the allure of Snapchat? …’Jesus, does anyone?’
Social media is great, but so is the world and there needs to be a Balance… & Composure. Tinder has broken the stigma that online dating was for everyone that wasn’t yourself and everyone that is ‘normal’. Everyone is on it, right? Tinder offers so much choice that people become bored with people, set up dates, start talking to someone else, don’t go on the first date arranged, arrange a date with person 2, start talking with someone else. And repeat.
Even if a date is arranged, there would be small talk for a bit. Then the pixels start storming the castle. Sharing what they’re drinking, where their drinking it and how they’re feeling – feeling amused :/.
There is so much choice that nothing is being done.
A gig too, I’ve been at gigs where people will record for ten minutes or more at a time. Take pictures and videos for sure, but to watch the gig through you’re device, nah.
It suprises me too that children as young as ten have smart phones – who a ten year old needs to text or call I don’t know. When I was ten all I needed was a sick that looked like a gun and I could kill up to a million aliens in an afternoon. A MILLION!
Its not enough that these devices are taking over our lives but they are also beginning to take over our lives.
Its great to share the odd picture or too granted, but every single thing you ever do? Keep it real.
If you have Facebook Messenger, yeah delete it.
Ever wondered how things you talk about in texts etc or search for appear as ads on Facebook.com?
It can:
– Change the state of network connectivity
-Call phone numbers without your intervention. This may result in unexpected charges or calls. Malicious apps may cost you money by making calls without your confirmation
-Send SMS messages. This may result in unexpected charges. Malicious apps may cost you money by sending messages without your confirmation
-Record audio with microphone. This permission allows the app to record audio at any time without your confirmation
-Take pictures and video with the camera. This permission allows the app to use the camera at any time without your confirmation
-Read your phone’s call log, including data about incoming and outgoing calls. This permission allows apps to save your call log data, and malicious apps may share call log data without your knowledge
-Read data about your contacts stored on your phone, including the frequency with which you’ve called, emailed, or communicated in other ways with specific individuals
-Access the phone features of the device. This permission allows the app to determine the phone number and device IDs, whether a call is active, and the remote number connected by a call
The bottom line is, we have millions of humans in the palm of our hands on our devices but we are all very much alone. Nobody dances anymore and nobody seems to acknowledge of appreciate something unless its on their screen – Introducing: The Rot Under The Sun.
We’ll double tap a great picture on Instagram and stare at it for a few seconds whilst missing out on our own moment that is right in front of our eyes.
Like work and life, needing a balance between them, our virtual lives and what is actually under the sun needs a balance too.
Our personal legend our soul – whatever you want to call it has been suppressed these days. You don’t hear too much of follow your heart etc. as everyone is too concerned with the rat race, well, ‘if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat’.
Patience is key. Life is one big rat race but guess what, its a race with no winners. We’re all gonna die. Would you care much about the race if you suddenly developed a brain tumour, would you say on your deathbed ‘I’d wished I worked harder and didn’t slow down and live in the present’.
The past has gone and the future isn’t here…yet. So live in the present have patience cause I’m sure everything will end up all right. ‘to Be Yourself is all that you can do’.
I’m not a doctor, a chemist, a philosopher or an expert in anything but this is my opinion and I’m keeping centred – swipe right on reality and keep calm.
everything will be all right / the things we think we’re missing
This is the time that was light years away six months ago or so, the time where people start to leave Thailand.
That time six months ago feels like it has gone past in a matter of weeks. This six months has been a flash, for the most part an alcohol induced flash at that (ANOTHER!).
So, I sit here on a high as Wales just despatched Israel 0-3 in their own back yard (is their own back yard… I’m not so sure it is, neither are Palestine) pondering where exactly the last six months have gone.
As I’ve said before time flies, it really does…
This time in Thailand has been the best time of my life, and I have shared it with gigantic humans. Notably Thom, Nathan, Daq and JW – sound lads, this wouldn’t have been the same without them.
Thankfully they’re staying to keep dancing… apart from JW. Mate you are one of the most interesting people I have ever met, and you are also one of the most hungover too (‘I’m done!!’) Its a shame you’re going, but you will be back soon and it will be too sweet. Thank you.
As I’ve mentioned before I was really nervous and undecided whether coming to teach was the right thing to do, but after such a short period of time I knew it was. ‘When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.’ – The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. I may only be around a quarter of the way into the book but I would highly recommend it to anyone wanting to make a big decision, and generally all other people because it is a colossal book on looking at life and living your life the way you, not anyone else want to.
I’m not gonna say too much because I feel that I’ve said most of it in other posts.
I’ve learned more and enjoyed my life more since September 2014 than I have during the rest of my life, partly down to the people who are goin’ down the same road in the same car as me.
So once again, thank you, everyone – you all hold a place in this beating heart of mine.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object making it more beautiful, rather than something to disguise and ignore.
It is often a relief to be wrong.
Time spent regretting is time spend wasted – ‘I wished I’d have done TEFLheaven sooner, what took me so long?’
I have thought this on countless occasions since Koh Chang.
Dismantle. Repair.
I now realise that I did TEFL heaven exactly when I needed to do it, when it was intended. If I hadn’t enrolled on the Koh Chang September 2014 course then I would not currently be under the influence of giants – not even knowing the existence of, or feeling the vibes of the friendship radiated by the human beings there with me… thats how I know it was meant to be. The great wonder of hindsight looks at you from a distance, smiles and nods, knowingly.
I have held the belief ‘everything happens for a reason’ for a while. That bloody reason, hidden in plain sight occasionally, then occasionally you must venture, searching for Something In The Night engulfed by the Darkness On the Edge of Town walking down Streets of Fire in the heart of the Badlands attempting to find The Promised Land.
Preaching to the choir, possibly (hopefully)? Alas, there is a song to be sung!
Bad things are going to happen in life. You will enter that tunnel, as dark as it is long. And that faint light you can see from a distance at the end? It is not a freight train coming your way. The certainty of life has the certainty or bad things tagging along and it is too easy to slip into the mindset that you are the quarry. But, theres almost always a lesson to be learned. Always.
It is the interpretation of that lesson that is key. A lesson is always taught by the ‘teacher’, sometimes in a very bad way, other times in a very good way that is easy to learn, however the topic is the same and the students are the always the intended audience. Trying to learn something from something is the Reason to Believe. That way, a negative has been switched to a positive and quite frankly thats a conversion I quite like.
‘There is no self-discovery in a safe life.’
I was the patron saint of lost causes, I couldn’t relax as my hair was far too long and the white whale kept eluding me. The only thing I could hear was the beating of my own heart. Gazing back now I realise that these things that at the time were an avalanche, were simply lessons and they made me who I am right now. For example, my parents’ years of trivial squabbling, more often than not at no fault of my mum, resulted in their (inevitable) divorce showed me the man to not become, not getting a job promotion showed me to the life of a company man was not the life for me. My ‘attitude’ was my saviour.
The sun will set at the end of the day and health and happiness should be the only combination equalling an uninterrupted sleep.
‘Find what you love and let it kill you’
Charles Bukowski. Soldier. Poet. Dancer.
Bukowski was a modest man, an anti-hero if you will, he spent most of his life broke and drunk. He was an accepting, self admitting alcoholic and even snickered at ‘amateur drunks’. He hated the 9-5, professed nothing that he was not and had little if no faith in his fellow humans. But the man was a genius. Now, in my tiny mind the quality of his that resonated most was his view on the big bad wolf that is life. He grasped pretty quickly in his years and understood that life should not be determined by some script. It shouldn’t be defined by the people around you, the people you work for, what people are telling you and what people are wanting you to do.
It was after having a tactical tea break (one of the great breaks) in the middle of reading one of the man’s works that the thought ‘I’ts not gonna happen’ was splashing over every atom of my mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I was searching for a reason, a determined path. I was on a road filled with potholes, a corrosive 9-5 grind where scoring a goal was impossible as the goalposts were constantly moving – a constant set of ‘achievements’ set by someone else for the benefit of someone / something else, that as soon as it was done, sure as hell another, just as trivial would pop up and demand your complete and utter attention and compliance.
Now, Springsteen, Morrissey, Cash and Orbison had all written albums by their mid twenties. Why the hell hadn’t I?! I’m not including Elvis here ’cause quite frankly he was simply overrated – he didn’t even write his own songs. Quite literally ‘a little less conversation, a little more action’ was needed on his behalf…
One rainy day I was soaked through from head to toe with nothing but the clothes on my back to show. There I was, standing in the middle of an infinite library that held every book on everything one could know….. so much choice. But I could never stray away from this one book. It was eloquently bound in a language that I couldn’t understand, but I kept trying to decipher it. Again and again and again I examined it to see if I something new miraculously appeared. ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’
The next day there were a few more shadows scattered across the wasteland as the sun was a little bit higher in the afternoon sky than usual. With an almighty effort, I opened those huge, creaky iron doors and walked into the library as dry as a bone. The book was nowhere to be seen. In its usual place was a strange looking book. It was filled with hundreds and thousands of the most amazing and vivid pictures imaginable. There was no foreign language to not understand, just these pictures to appreciate. Its safe to say I learned to read that day and if you close your eyes and listen close… you can hear that chapter close.
Rather than plot your route on the road ahead, searching high and low for a destination you think you need to head to, that the chances are you’ll never find. Throw the map out of the window and take any route you want whilst the engine is warm.
Put your favourite songs on, coasting strong, lean back in your chair, get comfortable and embrace the sights of the drive along. Navigation was hard, at times there was nothing but the rhythm of the driving rain, other times there was a dense unimaginable fog. But it all cleared – revealing a brilliant sun on the horizon…you can’t miss it (it’s everywhere).
Age is but a number and time is but a man made concept.
The decision/s had been made! Rather than work to a predetermined script placed in my hands, drafted up by the shadows, I needed to get a hold of the script, give it one final look and hand it to a member of the supporting cast as the sole responsibility for casting the lead role was reclaimed.
I don’t have a plan because a plan nearly always doesn’t go to plan. For this architect anyway. I could and possibly should argue that a plan can fail because in order for something to happen something previously must happen and so on and so forth and not having a plan cannot fail, failing to prepare is preparing to fail? Not all of the time I could and should argue.
I don’t intend to plan again, and its so wonderful. What will I be doing in five years? My heart may not be beating so I’ll enjoy My Time, smileand when the reaper comes knocking I can invite him in for tea and say ‘mai pen rai’.
You don’t need much to know you have enough.
‘It ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive.’
Enjoy rather than feel content and have fleeting happiness, its life, live it in constant happiness and have fun.
I have also learned to be infinitely grateful. Grateful for the opportunity of life and grateful currently for this so wonderful opportunity of living abroad.
Very little or no stress, none of the (now) trivial things that unfortunately determine existences. No overhearing the sort of people who look at everything and everyone with only a sense of what is due to them, talk in ‘newspeak’ longing to be overly untalented just like the people they watch on various Shores (this is unfortunately ‘reality’) themselves literally living a scripted life (Oh, for the tide to wash them away), setting the world to rights whilst they wait in a queue to collect their £6 coffee. The first world in last place.
Believing in yourself begins by believing in yourself, irresistible – odds were defied by simply being, born. A billion stars and here we are. I believe.
‘It what we fear that happens to us.’
Filling in the cracks on a wall that has a priceless masterpiece hanging on it, or that priceless masterpiece…? Choice? Illumination says not.
Swim up from the depths, soar away during highs and embrace the amazing wonder.
I could pontificate until the sun goes down, literally, but I recommend Tom Petty songs and infinite self-belief, always.
Per aspera ad astra.
It has never been more perfect being alive. Never.
from thunderstorms / to infinity 