kintsugi

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object making it more beautiful, rather than something to disguise and ignore.

It is often a relief to be wrong.

Time spent regretting is time spend wasted – ‘I wished I’d have done TEFLheaven sooner, what took me so long?’
I have thought this on countless occasions since Koh Chang.

Dismantle. Repair.

I now realise that I did TEFL heaven exactly when I needed to do it, when it was intended. If I hadn’t enrolled on the Koh Chang September 2014 course then I would not currently be under the influence of giants – not even knowing the existence of, or feeling the vibes of the friendship radiated by the human beings there with me… thats how I know it was meant to be.
The great wonder of hindsight looks at you from a distance, smiles and nods, knowingly.

I have held the belief ‘everything happens for a reason’ for a while. That bloody reason, hidden in plain sight occasionally, then occasionally you must venture, searching for Something In The Night engulfed by the Darkness On the Edge of Town walking down Streets of Fire in the heart of the Badlands attempting to find The Promised Land.

Preaching to the choir, possibly (hopefully)? Alas, there is a song to be sung!
Bad things are going to happen in life. You will enter that tunnel, as dark as it is long. And that faint light you can see from a distance at the end? It is not a freight train coming your way. The certainty of life has the certainty or bad things tagging along and it is too easy to slip into the mindset that you are the quarry. But, theres almost always a lesson to be learned. Always.
It is the interpretation of that lesson that is key. A lesson is always taught by the ‘teacher’, sometimes in a very bad way, other times in a very good way that is easy to learn, however the topic is the same and the students are the always the intended audience. Trying to learn something from something is the Reason to Believe. That way, a negative has been switched to a positive and quite frankly thats a conversion I quite like.

‘There is no self-discovery in a safe life.’

I was the patron saint of lost causes, I couldn’t relax as my hair was far too long and the white whale kept eluding me. The only thing I could hear was the beating of my own heart. Gazing back now I realise that these things that at the time were an avalanche, were simply lessons and they made me who I am right now. For example, my parents’ years of trivial squabbling, more often than not at no fault of my mum, resulted in their (inevitable) divorce showed me the man to not become, not getting a job promotion showed me to the life of a company man was not the life for me. My ‘attitude’ was my saviour.

The sun will set at the end of the day and health and happiness should be the only combination equalling an uninterrupted sleep.

‘Find what you love and let it kill you’

Charles Bukowski. Soldier. Poet. Dancer.

Bukowski was a modest man, an anti-hero if you will, he spent most of his life broke and drunk. He was an accepting, self admitting alcoholic and even snickered at ‘amateur drunks’. He hated the 9-5, professed nothing that he was not and had little if no faith in his fellow humans. But the man was a genius. Now, in my tiny mind the quality of his that resonated most was his view on the big bad wolf that is life. He grasped pretty quickly in his years and understood that life should not be determined by some script. It shouldn’t be defined by the people around you, the people you work for, what people are telling you and what people are wanting you to do.

It was after having a tactical tea break (one of the great breaks) in the middle of reading one of the man’s works that the thought ‘I’ts not gonna happen’ was splashing over every atom of my mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I was searching for a reason, a determined path. I was on a road filled with potholes, a corrosive 9-5 grind where scoring a goal was impossible as the goalposts were constantly moving – a constant set of ‘achievements’ set by someone else for the benefit of someone / something else, that as soon as it was done, sure as hell another, just as trivial would pop up and demand your complete and utter attention and compliance.

Now, Springsteen, Morrissey, Cash and Orbison had all written albums by their mid twenties. Why the hell hadn’t I?! I’m not including Elvis here ’cause quite frankly he was simply overrated – he didn’t even write his own songs.
Quite literally ‘a little less conversation, a little more action’ was needed on his behalf…

One rainy day I was soaked through from head to toe with nothing but the clothes on my back to show. There I was, standing in the middle of an infinite library that held every book on everything one could know….. so much choice. But I could never stray away from this one book. It was eloquently bound in a language that I couldn’t understand, but I kept trying to decipher it. Again and again and again I examined it to see if I something new miraculously appeared. ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’
The next day there were a few more shadows scattered across the wasteland as the sun was a little bit higher in the afternoon sky than usual. With an almighty effort, I opened those huge, creaky iron doors and walked into the library as dry as a bone. The book was nowhere to be seen. In its usual place was a strange looking book. It was filled with hundreds and thousands of the most amazing and vivid pictures imaginable. There was no foreign language to not understand, just these pictures to appreciate. Its safe to say I learned to read that day and if you close your eyes and listen close… you can hear that chapter close.

Rather than plot your route on the road ahead, searching high and low for a destination you think you need to head to, that the chances are you’ll never find. Throw the map out of the window and take any route you want whilst the engine is warm.
Put your favourite songs on, coasting strong, lean back in your chair, get comfortable and embrace the sights of the drive along. Navigation was hard, at times there was nothing but the rhythm of the driving rain, other times there was a dense unimaginable fog. But it all cleared –  revealing a brilliant sun on the horizon…you can’t miss it (it’s everywhere).

Age is but a number and time is but a man made concept.

The decision/s had been made! Rather than work to a predetermined script placed in my hands, drafted up by the shadows, I needed to get a hold of the script, give it one final look and hand it to a member of the supporting cast as the sole responsibility for casting the lead role was reclaimed.

I don’t have a plan because a plan nearly always doesn’t go to plan. For this architect anyway. I could and possibly should argue that a plan can fail because in order for something to happen something previously must happen and so on and so forth and not having a plan cannot fail, failing to prepare is preparing to fail? Not all of the time I could and should argue.
I don’t intend to plan again, and its so wonderful. What will I be doing in five years? My heart may not be beating so I’ll enjoy My Time, smile and when the reaper comes knocking I can invite him in for tea and say ‘mai pen rai’.

You don’t need much to know you have enough.

‘It ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive.’

Enjoy rather than feel content and have fleeting happiness, its life, live it in constant happiness and have fun.

I have also learned to be infinitely grateful. Grateful for the opportunity of life and grateful currently for this so wonderful opportunity of living abroad.
Very little or no stress, none of the (now) trivial things that unfortunately determine existences. No overhearing the sort of people who look at everything and everyone with only a sense of what is due to them, talk in ‘newspeak’ longing to be overly untalented just like the people they watch on various Shores (this is unfortunately ‘reality’) themselves literally living a scripted life (Oh, for the tide to wash them away), setting the world to rights whilst they wait in a queue to collect their £6 coffee. The first world in last place.

Believing in yourself begins by believing in yourself, irresistible – odds were defied by simply being, born. A billion stars and here we are. I believe.

‘It what we fear that happens to us.’

Filling in the cracks on a wall that has a priceless masterpiece hanging on it, or that priceless masterpiece…? Choice? Illumination says not.

Swim up from the depths, soar away during highs and embrace the amazing wonder.

I could pontificate until the sun goes down, literally, but I recommend Tom Petty songs and infinite self-belief, always.

Per aspera ad astra.

It has never been more perfect being alive. Never.

See you in the next life, if the sun rises.

everything will be all right / kintsugi

a response to ‘Ixora’ by Copeland.

Moments…

Brief encounters in time that we all experience, the vast majority with no lasting footprint on our minds or lives that are over within the blink of an eye.
Sometimes they’re physical and sometimes they exist purely in the caverns of your mind. Most of the time however, you are unable to coherently put into words just what has happened and just how you feel.

The first time I properly got into Bruce Springsteen for example. I listened to nothing but The Boss’ tracks for around three weeks, nothing else graced the canals of my ears. When I wasn’t listening to Bruce, I was thinking about listening to Bruce, searching for and dissecting lyrics as the connection between myself and his music grew.

The strangest thing happened when I listened to bands music that was a main staple in my musical diet after this. I didn’t know if I liked it anymore, to this day I have no idea how to explain that sensation.
‘This isn’t as good as Springsteen, and this isn’t Springsteen so why listen to it?!’ I pondered.
Bruce Springsteen made me reevaluate everything, and for a brief moment during most weeks, he still does.

July 23rd 2013, Millennium Stadium, Cardiff – the greatest night of my life. Bruce was around an hour late coming onto stage, most crowds would get angry and start to become infuriated. Not us, friends. We were increasingly pumped, the excitement of the imminent arrival of the worlds greatest live performer was unexplainable and was growing, chants started and beer flowed.
Then, the lights were shut out and Dusty Springfield’s cover of ‘Can I Get a Witness’ was introduced through the airwaves.
It was happening, a god was coming and his congregation were ready.
Minds were temporarily lost, and then temporarily found when one by one, the members of The E Street Band climbed the steps to the stage.
Minds were temporarily lost (I Know mine was) once again when with his great presence, unassuming demeanour and guitar in hand, Bruce Springsteen announced himself to Cardiff.
I was literally awestruck for around a minute, I had never experienced anything like it before, and I have never experienced anything like it since.
I’m not a religious man, but it was the closest thing to a religious moment I will ever experience.

The brief moment when you first wake up in the morning and have no grasp on reality, where there is a umbrella temporarily over you protecting you from the rain, then the day, with a huge gust of wind announces itself and blows away the umbrella.

When you’re completely awake but your mind wanders of for a few seconds, you were someplace else but you don’t know where you were or why you were there.

The moment when you’re falling asleep and you drift into that place, half awake, half asleep where the infinite space is full, where the silence is deafening and where the darkness is clear.

They are the anomalies, powerful, unexplainable and they are brief.

From time to time, vehicles arrive that allow you to experience a moment for just that little bit longer. Take alcohol for example, I feel no shame when I say that it is truly wonderful. That place it takes you to. You arrive there, where everything is gonna be all right even know that you’re just borrowing happiness from the next day because you’ve drank far too much and hot damn you’re gonna suffer tomorrow.

I’ve had it multiple times in Thailand, mainly on Koh Chang where the vehicle (no it wasn’t in the pick up truck back from Ting Tongs) was the people I was sharing the moment with – emotional and special. You know whilst you’re there in the company of giants that come a day, a month, fifty years from that moment, you can look back, smile and feel the emotional warmth rise just like I did in ’14.
Where the sudden surge comes from, and when it chooses to arrive are concepts hard to understand and portray, but there is something around you that is the enabler.

One of my latest moments, was when I listened to ‘Ixora’ by Copeland. Ixora is beautiful.

I didn’t know too much about Copeland, I knew that they had broken up six years prior and this was their first album since suddenly reuniting earlier on in the year, the announcement came on April fools…

I downloaded the album, not really knowing what to expect..

After listening to the first three songs I was blown away, I remember thinking at the time ‘this is something special’. And boy, was I right – the rest of the album was on equal footing with greatness.

I’ve listened to Copeland’s other offerings and this album countless more times since and Ixora is indeed special.
There are few ‘perfect’ albums, albums where rather than skip one or two tracks, every one means something and has lasting value and power.
Brand New’s ‘Deja Entendu’, Springsteen’s ‘Darkness on The Edge of Town’, New Found Glory’s ‘Sticks and Stones’ and Valencia’s ‘We All Need a Reason To Believe’ are some of mine.

I can now add Ixora to this prestigious list. Ixora, to me is my mind being unravelled and then played out in musical form.
Ixora’s songs, like the mind are simple and complex at the same time. Aaron Marsh’s vocal range and the music is quite simply breathtaking. With subtle and colossal instrumentation constantly fluctuating, combined with powerful lyrics that are current and relatable and just for that brief moment enable the physical manifestation of things in your mind’s eye.

You’ll listen to a song one day, you’ll think about something one day. However the next time you listen to that song or muse over that thing, they can reborn with a greater significance than before.

Copeland extend, and that is something special.

Once again, taken to the place where the space is full, where the silence is deafening and where the darkness is clear, the place where we all go to but are at an odds to explain its whereabouts.

Not many bands or people do something because of a passion to do something. A lot of music is just put out there to chase the yankee dollar with no real consideration for what is being constructed, no emotion put into the lyrics or real craft of creativity put into the music.

No catchy chorus, no point…

Very rarely nowadays is there any real attachment from either the artist or the fans to a latest musical offering, next week there will be a new flavour of the week with last week’s forgotten. Rather than create something beautiful and connected that will transcend to something far greater than just instruments and words, and something deeper than just a listening experience like a carefully crafted album, the focus will only be on sales of singles often with a new one released far too frequently.

So many moments come and go, forgotten within a flash, so when one comes along, sustained for that little bit longer and makes you feel, have a moment.

‘A billion stars and here we are’.

working on a dream

May contain immense vibes, emotion, thank yous, song titles/ lyrics and obviously Bruce Springsteen.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘here’s another damn blog’…

Absolutely, I couldn’t resist so the jokes on you.

The beginning of this story was too damn epic not to tell, besides everybody loves a story, unless its associated with Jimmy Saville that is…

Hot damn! Where to begin?!

Sitting here after the first nights of being alone in five weeks having had the greatest time with colossal people I guess its a little easier to put my thoughts into pixelated form.

But first, everyone of you who was on TEFLheaven Koh Chang 2014, and you fat dog I haven’t forgotten about you, you rotund canine (not as big a thank you to you I’ll be honest as I did have a bad ankle for near enough four damn weeks), thank you.

What I am even saying, anyway – yeah to everybody I just want to say thank you. Pete said that you guys and the three weeks on Koh Chang changed his life – it changed mine too – a place in my heart is reserved for you all for the remainder of my days for sure.

I miss too many things – I miss Koh Chang, I miss Siam Bay, I miss those thunderstorms, I miss the closest human resemblance to a duck I have ever seen – Drive, I miss sitting above the restaurant in class laughing at everything and anything, I miss being in the pool chilling the absolute F out, I miss Jon Peaco describing how he once thought he found a certain little thing which has a three letter abbreviation on a certain little thing, I miss Ting Tong’s, I miss dancing with my friends to other people’s songs, I miss the constant chanting, I miss Mama Bobby’s, I miss the journeys in whatever vehicle was available, I miss being on the hut porch musing, I miss the vibe and I miss you guys.

(Not forgetting Phil Brown who doesn’t appear above…)

I would like to add that I do not however miss the sea, after being savaged attacked by some sort of Kraken I’m lucky to be here alive and writing this garbage.

See I like I’m sure most of us, was incredibly nervous and anxious as hell about not only coming out here but coming out here alone.
Its a huge step and we did it, seriously we’re absolutely immense for doing it. Even if some of us go home, I’m sure nobody will, but if it happens, who cares we dared to take the plunge and we can take away such good vibes – everything will be all right, it’ll all be all right.

I have a similar vibe and similar thoughts sitting here writing this nonsense as I did sitting in the airport around five weeks ago thinking nonsense.
From: ‘Seven hells, what the hell am I doing, shall I just go home?!’ – Yeah I’ll admit I thought that, a little embarrassing but we’re past that now – I got excited by an overweight dog for christ’s sake. To: ‘this is going to be absolutely immense, don’t get scared now’ (Kevin McCallister knew what was up) – I guess what I’m trying to say is that most of us that haven’t yet taught our first day are thinking the same things over and over and over again, the Jekyll and Hyde of our minds have returned.

But this time we’re all right, we’re gonna do this, we have to do this, we’re gonna be FANtastic teachers so lets have a laugh while we’re here, what have we got to lose?!
‘You can’t start a fire, worried about your little world falling apart.’
As an absolutely immense person told me recently (see Jenny Russell for more motivational quotes) ‘do something everyday that scares you’ and as Stone Cold Steve Austin would say, I also say ‘Hell Yeah!’ to that.

I mean being out of our comfort zone is what life is all about, we know that by know because we’ve all taken the plunge and we’re all in our places embracing the calm before the storm, preparing to metaphorically build a new city – a city which will be built on the greatest foundations, rock and roll – We’ll built this city!

What do we learn in a comfort zone anyway, we become lazy, caught up in a cycle that travels to a Long Walk Home to nowhere and we’re bored. I’ve had more fun than any other period in my life, I’ve learned more out here thanks to this bunch of humans than I ever did in school and my outlook on life has changed, my vibe has changed a little and my skin colour has changed (cheers Sun you’re a tank) so thats lovely.

A few things have changed my outlook on life for the better, the writing of Charles Bukowski, the music of Bruce Springsteen, Christopher McCandless aka Alexander Supertramp, this quote from Steve Jobs:

and of course the biggest contribution has now been provided by being in Thailand with all of you for the last few weeks. Cheers.

I had no idea what to expect of the TEFLheaven experience, should I have done my course over in the UK and walked straight into a job or have I chosen the right option?
Well if there’s any cat reading this thinking of doing TEFLheaven and not sure how you’re gonna enter The Land of Hope of Dreams that is the TEFL journey I couldn’t recommend the TEFLheaven experience anymore.
Theres only so much you can learn from pixels on a screen after all…
Making a fool of yourself in front of your fellow trainees and the trainers is one of the biggest learns that I took out of it. As Chris Jericho says, ‘break the walls down’. Who cares if you’re embarrassed, it ain’t gonna mean a thing in 100 years time so go and have a laugh.
You get to meet a whole new family of people – friends for life who also provide a great support and laughs network, you learn practically by getting stuck in and I for one believe thats the best way to learn anything.
You get to do hot topics which after the initial fear, you actually can’t wait to get up there and be the best you can be. If you do come out here, and find yourself having to choose a subject for your hot topic – I wouldn’t suggest ‘time’, absolute chaos. Clock and cock? Peaco knows.

So, yeah – get it done.

A special mention goes to the experience of teaching at The Cambodian Kids Camp – everybody knows this feeling, need I say more.

No Surrender.

‘Cause we made a promise we swore we’d always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Blood brothers in the stormy night
With a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender’

Everything will be all right / come on up for The Rising.

PS. I’d like to start something here, you know that neck nominate nonsense on Facebook? Well here’s the blog and nominate in Thailand – I nominate Thom Howell and Nathan Britten to complete the #301 bloggers.

PPS YES YES YES! Can’t believe it took me until the end to get that in… I’m slipping.