Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object making it more beautiful, rather than something to disguise and ignore.
It is often a relief to be wrong.
Time spent regretting is time spend wasted – ‘I wished I’d have done TEFLheaven sooner, what took me so long?’
I have thought this on countless occasions since Koh Chang.
Dismantle. Repair.
I now realise that I did TEFL heaven exactly when I needed to do it, when it was intended. If I hadn’t enrolled on the Koh Chang September 2014 course then I would not currently be under the influence of giants – not even knowing the existence of, or feeling the vibes of the friendship radiated by the human beings there with me… thats how I know it was meant to be.
The great wonder of hindsight looks at you from a distance, smiles and nods, knowingly.
I have held the belief ‘everything happens for a reason’ for a while. That bloody reason, hidden in plain sight occasionally, then occasionally you must venture, searching for Something In The Night engulfed by the Darkness On the Edge of Town walking down Streets of Fire in the heart of the Badlands attempting to find The Promised Land.
Preaching to the choir, possibly (hopefully)? Alas, there is a song to be sung!
Bad things are going to happen in life. You will enter that tunnel, as dark as it is long. And that faint light you can see from a distance at the end? It is not a freight train coming your way. The certainty of life has the certainty or bad things tagging along and it is too easy to slip into the mindset that you are the quarry. But, theres almost always a lesson to be learned. Always.
It is the interpretation of that lesson that is key. A lesson is always taught by the ‘teacher’, sometimes in a very bad way, other times in a very good way that is easy to learn, however the topic is the same and the students are the always the intended audience. Trying to learn something from something is the Reason to Believe. That way, a negative has been switched to a positive and quite frankly thats a conversion I quite like.
‘There is no self-discovery in a safe life.’
I was the patron saint of lost causes, I couldn’t relax as my hair was far too long and the white whale kept eluding me. The only thing I could hear was the beating of my own heart. Gazing back now I realise that these things that at the time were an avalanche, were simply lessons and they made me who I am right now. For example, my parents’ years of trivial squabbling, more often than not at no fault of my mum, resulted in their (inevitable) divorce showed me the man to not become, not getting a job promotion showed me to the life of a company man was not the life for me. My ‘attitude’ was my saviour.
The sun will set at the end of the day and health and happiness should be the only combination equalling an uninterrupted sleep.
‘Find what you love and let it kill you’
Charles Bukowski. Soldier. Poet. Dancer.
Bukowski was a modest man, an anti-hero if you will, he spent most of his life broke and drunk. He was an accepting, self admitting alcoholic and even snickered at ‘amateur drunks’. He hated the 9-5, professed nothing that he was not and had little if no faith in his fellow humans. But the man was a genius. Now, in my tiny mind the quality of his that resonated most was his view on the big bad wolf that is life. He grasped pretty quickly in his years and understood that life should not be determined by some script. It shouldn’t be defined by the people around you, the people you work for, what people are telling you and what people are wanting you to do.
It was after having a tactical tea break (one of the great breaks) in the middle of reading one of the man’s works that the thought ‘I’ts not gonna happen’ was splashing over every atom of my mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I was searching for a reason, a determined path. I was on a road filled with potholes, a corrosive 9-5 grind where scoring a goal was impossible as the goalposts were constantly moving – a constant set of ‘achievements’ set by someone else for the benefit of someone / something else, that as soon as it was done, sure as hell another, just as trivial would pop up and demand your complete and utter attention and compliance.
Now, Springsteen, Morrissey, Cash and Orbison had all written albums by their mid twenties. Why the hell hadn’t I?! I’m not including Elvis here ’cause quite frankly he was simply overrated – he didn’t even write his own songs.
Quite literally ‘a little less conversation, a little more action’ was needed on his behalf…
One rainy day I was soaked through from head to toe with nothing but the clothes on my back to show. There I was, standing in the middle of an infinite library that held every book on everything one could know….. so much choice. But I could never stray away from this one book. It was eloquently bound in a language that I couldn’t understand, but I kept trying to decipher it. Again and again and again I examined it to see if I something new miraculously appeared. ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’
The next day there were a few more shadows scattered across the wasteland as the sun was a little bit higher in the afternoon sky than usual. With an almighty effort, I opened those huge, creaky iron doors and walked into the library as dry as a bone. The book was nowhere to be seen. In its usual place was a strange looking book. It was filled with hundreds and thousands of the most amazing and vivid pictures imaginable. There was no foreign language to not understand, just these pictures to appreciate. Its safe to say I learned to read that day and if you close your eyes and listen close… you can hear that chapter close.
Rather than plot your route on the road ahead, searching high and low for a destination you think you need to head to, that the chances are you’ll never find. Throw the map out of the window and take any route you want whilst the engine is warm.
Put your favourite songs on, coasting strong, lean back in your chair, get comfortable and embrace the sights of the drive along. Navigation was hard, at times there was nothing but the rhythm of the driving rain, other times there was a dense unimaginable fog. But it all cleared – revealing a brilliant sun on the horizon…you can’t miss it (it’s everywhere).
Age is but a number and time is but a man made concept.
The decision/s had been made! Rather than work to a predetermined script placed in my hands, drafted up by the shadows, I needed to get a hold of the script, give it one final look and hand it to a member of the supporting cast as the sole responsibility for casting the lead role was reclaimed.
I don’t have a plan because a plan nearly always doesn’t go to plan. For this architect anyway. I could and possibly should argue that a plan can fail because in order for something to happen something previously must happen and so on and so forth and not having a plan cannot fail, failing to prepare is preparing to fail? Not all of the time I could and should argue.
I don’t intend to plan again, and its so wonderful. What will I be doing in five years? My heart may not be beating so I’ll enjoy My Time, smile and when the reaper comes knocking I can invite him in for tea and say ‘mai pen rai’.
You don’t need much to know you have enough.
‘It ain’t no sin to be glad you’re alive.’
Enjoy rather than feel content and have fleeting happiness, its life, live it in constant happiness and have fun.
I have also learned to be infinitely grateful. Grateful for the opportunity of life and grateful currently for this so wonderful opportunity of living abroad.
Very little or no stress, none of the (now) trivial things that unfortunately determine existences. No overhearing the sort of people who look at everything and everyone with only a sense of what is due to them, talk in ‘newspeak’ longing to be overly untalented just like the people they watch on various Shores (this is unfortunately ‘reality’) themselves literally living a scripted life (Oh, for the tide to wash them away), setting the world to rights whilst they wait in a queue to collect their £6 coffee. The first world in last place.
Believing in yourself begins by believing in yourself, irresistible – odds were defied by simply being, born. A billion stars and here we are. I believe.
‘It what we fear that happens to us.’
Filling in the cracks on a wall that has a priceless masterpiece hanging on it, or that priceless masterpiece…? Choice? Illumination says not.
Swim up from the depths, soar away during highs and embrace the amazing wonder.
I could pontificate until the sun goes down, literally, but I recommend Tom Petty songs and infinite self-belief, always.
Per aspera ad astra.
It has never been more perfect being alive. Never.
See you in the next life, if the sun rises.
everything will be all right / kintsugi